Bee It is illogical to obsess over things that cannot change.

These things are me. Nerdy Weird The future

Bee It is illogical to obsess over things that cannot change.

These things are me. Nerdy Weird The future

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Theodore

Question: why do you want me to behave in a way that you would hate doing?
18:09Theodore

You want to be able to gossip to me about other guys and be able to get my advice and whatnot.
18:10Me

because you told me you didn't care
18:11Theodore

You are an idiot sometimes.
18:11Me

and I already told you I wouldn't

why?
18:11Theodore

You want to be able to though.

When I practically yell at you "whatever, I don't care anymore", what do you think that means?
18:13Me

that you're mad
18:14Theodore

And?
18:14Me

you don't want to know
18:15Theodore

Tell me.
18:15Me

that's it

that you don't want to know
18:15Theodore

That is all?
18:16Me

what am I missing?

Gimme a hint?
18:16Theodore

The fact that whatever you are saying Hirt me.

Hurt
18:17Me

it hurt?

:(:(

I'm sorry
18:18Theodore

Duh. You think I don't care about you anymore? That I don't still care for you?
18:20Me

I thought you didn't. You were so mad yesterday I thought you didn't anymore
18:20Theodore

I was mad because you hurt me.
18:21Me

I'm sorry. :'(:'(

I truly didn't know
18:21Theodore

I don't get that.
18:21Me

why?
18:22Theodore

I lash out when hurt, I figured you knew that.
18:25Me

hugs I do. I just wasn't thinking, I guess. In hindsight, it makes sense. I didn't know why you were so angry at the time.
18:26Theodore

I was hurting.
18:27Me

hugs tightly

I'm sorry honey

oops
18:27Theodore

Oops? Lol
18:27Me

i didn't mean to type that

last bit

XD
18:28Theodore

What, calling me honey?

Doesn't bother me.
18:28Me

mhm
18:29Theodore

What?
18:29Me

It's kind of habit lol

I did it instinctively

then I was like oh noooes
18:29Theodore

I really don't mind.
18:30Me

I do
18:31Theodore

Why?
18:31Me

cos you're not my honey anymore lol

It's a special name

at least for me
18:31Theodore

Then don't say it.
18:32Me

I told you

It wasn't on purpos

*purpose
18:32Theodore

If you are going to get like this from saying it, train yourself not to.
18:32Me

get like what, lol

I'm fine

I just feel bad
18:34Theodore

Feeling bad is what I'm talking about.
18:34Me

can I ask you something?
18:35Theodore

No. :p:p

What?
18:41Me

see!

now you're online again!

Jerk!
18:41Theodore

Poor you.




OKC
I asked *why* exactly did that hurt you?

[6:40:24 pm]Beefaice:lol I'm not

[6:40:30 pm]Nanshork:Because I still "Like you" like you, that's why.

[6:40:31 pm]Beefaice:I was checking messages

[6:40:37 pm]Nanshork:I got on because I knew you'd be on!

[6:40:53 pm]Beefaice:why do you still like me like me?

[6:40:57 pm]Beefaice:o.o

[6:41:15 pm]Nanshork:Why wouldn't I? You think I'm over you already?

[6:41:28 pm]Beefaice:Yes.

[6:41:56 pm]Nanshork:*rolls his eyes* You don't know me at all.

[6:42:08 pm]Beefaice:You act like it, Dair.

[6:42:18 pm]Beefaice:What am I supposed to think?

[6:43:22 pm]Beefaice:How does that mean I don't know you?

[6:43:31 pm]Nanshork:How else am I supposed to protect myself?

[6:43:39 pm]Beefaice:protect yourself?

[6:43:41 pm]Nanshork:When all you do is talk about how you want to fuck other people.

[6:43:47 pm]Beefaice:I don't!

[6:44:05 pm]Nanshork:Hell, your profile on here practically says that you're on here to find casual sex.

[6:44:16 pm]Nanshork:And you've said it pretty much every day since we broke up.

[6:44:46 pm]Beefaice:notice how I took the looking for casual sex moniker off of my profile

[6:45:01 pm]Beefaice:and I could have had sex stone sober with phil

[6:45:05 pm]Beefaice:and I didn't

[6:45:08 pm]Nanshork:You hadn't last time I looked at it.

[6:45:20 pm]Nanshork:Because you wouldn't stop crying. You almost did.

[6:45:30 pm]Nanshork:Oh, sober, not drunk.

[6:45:55 pm]Nanshork:Just because you didn't doesn't mean that you don't talk about wanting to. Hell, you posted a lj about wanting to.

[6:46:10 pm]Beefaice:you read my lj?

[6:47:01 pm]Nanshork:I read it today, remember?

[6:47:24 pm]Beefaice:If you read the newest one

[6:47:35 pm]Beefaice:then note I said I don't know if I should

[6:47:57 pm]Nanshork:You also said that you want to.

[6:48:37 pm]Beefaice: The only compulsion I'm getting is to start rebounding ASAP, and doing stuff with Phil casually like he suggested, or going a different route and finding someone else entirely. The only way I can stop liking someone is to start liking someone else. If I did that, would everything go back to normal? Would I love being around my best friend again? Or should I grin and bear it and wait?

[6:48:53 pm]Beefaice:There is no "I want to" in there

[6:48:58 pm]Beefaice:I was questioning myself

[6:49:30 pm]Nanshork:Fine, you don't want to. You just have the urge to anyway. Better?

[6:50:02 pm]Beefaice:and look

[6:50:18 pm]Beefaice:the only person I've had sex with since we broke up

[6:50:20 pm]Beefaice:is you

[6:50:40 pm]Nanshork:Barely, but I know.

[6:51:52 pm]Beefaice:I love you, Dair. I'm hurt and confused and I feel wrong.

[6:52:03 pm]Beefaice:but I still love you

[6:52:04 pm]Nanshork:Wrong?

[6:52:23 pm]Beefaice:I just feel like a failure

[6:52:36 pm]Beefaice:and my emotions aren't functioning properly

[6:52:43 pm]Nanshork:How many times do I have to correct that before you'll believe it?

[6:53:35 pm]Beefaice:I don't know

[6:53:49 pm]Nanshork:You are not a failure.

[6:54:11 pm]Beefaice:I feel like one

[6:54:41 pm]Nanshork:Well you're not, promise.

[6:55:04 pm]Beefaice:Do you know what I really want?

[6:55:08 pm]Nanshork:What?

[6:55:20 pm]Beefaice:I don't want someone to sleep with

[6:55:26 pm]Beefaice:I want someone to hang out with

[6:55:32 pm]Nanshork:Well you have that.

[6:55:32 pm]Beefaice:kiss whenever I feel like it

[6:55:49 pm]Nanshork:You mean a boyfriend.

[6:55:53 pm]Beefaice:nope

[6:56:12 pm]Beefaice:I want someone to encourage me

[6:56:22 pm]Beefaice:and tell me the truth

[6:56:32 pm]Beefaice:no matter how hard it is for me to hear it

[6:56:34 pm]Nanshork:And make out with you and whatnot. That's a boyfriend.

[6:56:52 pm]Beefaice:that's not what I want

[6:57:20 pm]Nanshork:Then explain the difference.

[6:57:58 pm]Beefaice:you weren't my boyfriend

[6:58:03 pm]Beefaice:and you did that

[6:58:48 pm]Nanshork:So you want a fuck buddy?

[6:58:55 pm]Beefaice:pretty much

[6:59:09 pm]Beefaice:in crude terms

[6:59:21 pm]Beefaice:but I don't too

[6:59:46 pm]Beefaice:I don't more than I do

[7:00:18 pm]Beefaice:because i don't want to be used

[7:00:22 pm]Nanshork:Okay.

[7:00:34 pm]Beefaice: am I making sense?

[7:01:13 pm]Nanshork:Not really.

[7:01:32 pm]Beefaice:Meh.

[7:01:40 pm]Beefaice:I don't know how to explain it

[7:01:56 pm]Nanshork:Then I won't understand, heh.

[7:02:08 pm]Beefaice:I thought you were getting mad

[7:02:15 pm]Beefaice:cos I was depressed

[7:02:27 pm]Beefaice:so I thought if you thought I was getting over it

[7:02:33 pm]Beefaice:you'd be happy

[7:03:15 pm]Nanshork:Fail, lol.

[7:03:39 pm]Beefaice:why fail?

[7:05:21 pm]Nanshork:Being sad didn't make me angry. Being suicidal and talkinga bout how you just want to stop existing did.

[7:05:38 pm]Beefaice:Why?

[7:07:25 pm]Nanshork:Because you act like without a boyfriend your life has no meaning.
I hate everything. And I'm just angry. And hurt. Why are things so complicated? Long story short, Dair and I broke up and he's super nice and supportive and shit for a few days, now he's being a jerk and getting mad at me for no reason. What am I supposed to do? I don't ever bounce back within a week. My mind doesn't work that way. But I don't want to lose the best friend I've ever had in my life. I'm just upset because I want everything to go back to normal, as in how it used to be before we dated. No weird awkward feelings, no jealousy, just hanging out, having a good time and being ok in myself instead of feeling like ripping my skin off and running away, and not feeling like I'm doing something wrong in being sad and upset.

The only compulsion I'm getting is to start rebounding ASAP, and doing stuff with Phil casually like he suggested, or going a different route and finding someone else entirely. The only way I can stop liking someone is to start liking someone else. If I did that, would everything go back to normal? Would I love being around my best friend again? Or should I grin and bear it and wait?

Labels: dair, fail, guh, life, love

When I watch Glee, I see so much of myself in Rachel. I see who I used to be, the girl who went primadonna on Smitty (my choir director) for not giving me the Outstanding Soprano award, and who was so self assured in her talent, and still kind of is. I graduated high school then went to college to be a choir teacher. I love performance. If I could get paid to be in choir for the rest of my life I would die happy. People come up to me to this day from my old church and tell me to come back just to sing, and I almost want to. Then I got told by my piano teacher that I should drop piano. I started failing Theory because I quit showing up due to the then soon to be ex-fiancee. I quit my dream for someone else and what do I have to show for it? A crappy deadend job where people treat me like crap. If there was any way right now for me to pay off the 800$ I owed to the school, I'd go. I'd say fuck the Air Force and just go to school. That's truly what I want with every inch of my soul. Watching Glee just reminds me of that, so so much.

Labels: future, glee, life, love, music

Ay Mendigo. ★ Wanted: ★ confusion. ★ :/ ★ Wherein I learn to fall out of love ★ Glee and how it affects Bee's psyche ★ Hey you. ★ Dearest Bee, ★ Wow.... ;w; ★ I am... ★ April 2010 ★ May 2010 ★ June 2010 ★ July 2010 ★ Coded by wickedicy banner from Reviviscent.